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What they say: Wow! You’ve really been losing some weight!
What I hear: Yea, you may have dropped a few pounds, but sure have a ways to go.
What they say: Your arms are so toned.
What I hear: You have a big backside and fat legs.
What they say: You look great today.
What I hear: You look like a truck hit you the last time I saw you.
Why, oh, why do we do this to ourselves? We women are pros at this. Even when a generous, genuine compliment is given, we seem to take it by the arm, flip it on its back and walk away feeling even worse about ourselves than before.
I really do not think I have all the answers as to
why, but just a few ideas of my own:
Negative Inner Dialogue
When I was overweight there were a lot of things I struggled with: the tight clothes, the increasing bra sizes, the ever rising number on the scale, my lack of ability to water ski, run, or finish anything physical I started. It all frustrated me to no end. However, all that was cake (yeah, I did eat a lot of that, too :) compared with the the ongoing negative dialogue running through my head at all times. I was brutal to myself. And it never turned off.
It got out of control. Everything was punctuated with the postlude, “....and I’m fat.” Let’s say I dropped a plate and broke it. My head sounded something like this: “Great. I broke this plate I got for my wedding and I’m fat.”
If I accomplished something like singing a solo at church, my head would say, “Yeah, maybe I can sing, but I’m fat.”
It had no “off” switch. I was a pro boxer and my only opponent was myself.
Being a Woman
You know it and I know it: being a woman means there’s a whole lot more emphasis on the outside. When we stand in line at the grocery store and are barraged with perfect images of Carrie Underwood and her perfectly airbrushed legs, the Kardashian sisters and their surgically enhanced everything (who are these people and what have they ever done?), and Taylor Swift and her 20-year-old skin and amazing absence of under-eye bags, it is easy to start picking apart ourselves down to nothing. Our culture has been doing this for years and although I disagree with it, its not going anywhere.
So, how can we put the muzzle on this negative, overly chatty voice that just doesn’t know when to quit?
There are a few things that have helped me over the years:
Listen and Believe
One thing is, try to actually listen and believe what others are saying. Instead of hearing, "Wow! You look fantastic!" then thinking or saying, "Yeah, but you should see my muffin top" -- just digest the compliment for once. Make a point of looking them in the eye, smiling, then giving them a genuine, “Thank you.”
List It
Keep an ongoing, running list of these positive compliments. Have a little notebook in your purse or a paper hanging on your bathroom mirror where you write down all the positive things people have said to you. When people say you’ve got great calves, by all means write it down. You are a woman with some
HOT calves! Watch out -- red hot calves comin' through!
Believe it!
Take this a step further and write down compliments about everything else as well. You gave a great presentation at work and your boss said she couldn’t run the place without you? Write it down. You sat with a friend, let her unload on you about her newest lousy relationship for an hour and a half and she considers you closer than a sister? Write it down. Your three-year-old says you are are the best lunch maker in the universe? Write it down. Your husband said you parallel park better than he does? Write it down.
When the negative starts tries to crash your party, return to the list of compliments. Read them. Believe them. They are true.
Shift the focus
Focus on what your body can DO and not just what it looks like. Hiking, swimming, walking up stairs, traveling, picking up the kids all come from a capable, strong body. If we are focusing on
what it can do and
where it can bring us, it will will help us rise above our hangups on our small imperfections (which we all have and struggle with).
List It
Again, write this stuff down. Even if you aren’t in your ultimate goal jeans yet, your body is still amazing and able to do remarkable things. Having an ongoing list of what your body is able to do -- hug the grandkids, go for a walk with your husband, run a half-marathon, carry in all the groceries in in one load -- these things will help us get to the heart of what really matters:
our bodies are gifts and we can be grateful for them.
Your body is capable, healthy, and can and should be a vehicle for happiness. NOT something that should be picked apart one body part at a time.
Sure, you may still be thinking your body is not where you want it to be. Join the club. We're all working on that one day at a time. It's a process and taken one step at a time.
In the meantime, however, when you find yourself back in the boxing ring with yourself, break out with these lists.
What are all those compliments you've received? THEY ARE TRUE.
What can your body do? WOW -- WHAT A BLESSING.
We've got a lot to be thankful for, don't we?
Hey, Fit Mommas, have you ever struggled with that relentless negativity? How have you dealt with it? Comment below and tell us WHAT WORKS!
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