How NOT to Change Your Spouse

I get the comment occasionally:

“You are so lucky to have a husband who loves the health and fitness as much as you do.”

Is he a looker or what?

I have to agree whole-heartedly that yes, I AM LUCKY. Fitness is something we share, we talk about, we read about, and participate in together. Nobody is a bigger Trainer Momma fan than the Doc.

But, it hasn’t always been that way.

I was never very athletic before we met each other. You already know I ballooned out immediately after we got married by packing on 50 lbs. in 9 months.


Gaining weight that fast takes sheer dedication, hard work, and skill. I don’t recommend it.

Jared was pretty healthy in high school and during medical school. He raced in the Tour de Tucson and 24 hours in the Old Pueblo, however, during internship let things go and gained a little weight.


After Baby #2, I was really getting into health and fitness. I begged for some sessions with a certain, killer personal trainer who made my teeth chatter with fear every time I saw him with a client. I combined all my gifts that year: Christmas, anniversary, Valentines, my birthday and Mother’s Day. I was finally able to work out with this guy who took me to the next level fitness wise. Whoa. I was in heaven.

Working out became my world during that time. The workouts were amazing and the results were even better. It was all I thought about, read about, and did.

What a minute -- that still sounds exactly like me now. OK, it still is my world, but I have tamed it a bit. Just a bit. I think the more kids I have the balanced they force me to be. Thanks, guys :)

Amid all my jump squats, frog jumping through parking lots, and pull-ups, I started to have a lot of expectations of myself. Then I started projecting them on to others. That is a polite way of saying I became critical and judgmental of those who did not workout as much and as hard as I did.

My first and easiest target was the Doc.

Looking back, he was doing a heck of a lot during those years. Finished up medical school, doing an internship, and being a dad to two very young children and wife to a girl he affectionately nick named, “De-Mandi” (yes, oddly similar to the word “demanding” :).  And, he really was doing well.  I mistakenly thought if he wasn't at the gym as much as I was and counting every calorie, then it wasn't enough.

One night, I decided to lay it on the line and just tell him how I thought he needed to change:

He needed to exercise (even though he could have still ridden circles around me on his bike).
He needed to eat right (even though he ate salmon when I fled when it arrived on the premises).
He needed to lose weight (even though he was just fine and wearing the same jeans then as he did when we got married) .

The result? IT COMPLETELY BACKFIRED. He got his feelings deeply hurt. In addition to the many insensitive things I said that night, this is what he heard:

I thought he was lazy.
I thought he was a hypocrite as a doctor.

Needless to say, it was a very long night and one that took us even longer to get over.

I took some time and really thought about what happened. My intentions were good.  But my execution was horrible.

I learned some marital lessons the hard way:

People have to choose it for themselves.
I should not force my expectations onto him. He has to be happy with himself.  I, more than anyone, should have known this. I have been bribed with money, travel, and clothes to lose weight in my teenage years. That never worked. I just dug my heels in deeper and stuffed the Milky Ways in faster. It wasn’t until I chose to change for me that the results were long lasting.

I have to make his workouts easy.
Now that the Doc is working out regularly, we have made it a point to help each other get in the workout. This does take some sacrifice on both of our parts. He has been home with the kids every morning of our child-filled years while I sneak in my early morning workouts. When he comes home from a long day at work and needs to get a run in, I say yes. I try not to mention the soccer practice he’s missing, the baths that need to be given, or the sink that needs to be fixed. I take away all the pressure and allow him to get his workout in. As time has gone on, he has figured out ways to work around our family’s crazy schedule, however, sometimes he does miss some things and I am OK with that. It works for us.

People change through love and acceptance.
I realized after I made THE MISTAKE, that even when I was reaching new heights with my weight, he never once criticized me. He swears it never occurred to him I had gained so much weight and always thought I was beautiful, rolls and all. He loved me and accepted me. What a gift.

After THE MISTAKE, I let the unreasonable judgements and criticisms of him and others behind.  I saved the high expectations for myself, since in the end that’s the only person I can really make decisions for anyway.

Did that make healthy habits any less important?  Of course, not.

But, as the Doc always says, "People first."

No wonder I love that man.

How about you, Fit Mommas?  Have you ever tried to change your spouse when it comes to their health?  Did it work?  How have you and your spouse worked in the workouts while juggling life and kids?  Comment below and tell us WHAT WORKS!

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